After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You Might Also Like
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’ll be mad as hell!
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Stop sending me this shit.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*