You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You Might Also Like
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.