If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
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Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
That took me a moment.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could