[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
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#Caturday
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?