I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
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One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.