well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
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Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost