Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
You Might Also Like
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.