[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear