COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Kids, do not try this at home!
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Support your local cemetery
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.