Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
You Might Also Like
They’re on their honeymoon
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back