Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.