You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You Might Also Like
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.