if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.