– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao