“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
It do be feeling this way.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book