Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*