[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?