Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these