[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
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Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.