I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
You Might Also Like
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
You’ll be OK
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.