I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
This a good idea
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.