You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
we’re gonna need another temp
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.