[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.