Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet