Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
i really liked this one
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”