They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
guys i’ve cracked the code