A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
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I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*