*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.