[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
How do you like your Corgi?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.