“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.