“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”