“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
superman landing like a plane on his belly
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?