Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?