I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.