Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
You Might Also Like
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.