[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
want me to check your oil?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I hope Alan is OK
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out