Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
You Might Also Like
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc