When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
This one’s “Alex”.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.