You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
When libraries troll their patrons.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me buying fruit and veg
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.