Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…