I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Born to be mild.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college