Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
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In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens