STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
that de-escalated quickly
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.