my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. ๐๐ so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak ๐ฅฐ๐
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the โgarlic pokemonโ
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Thereโs a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write โcan we please stop talking about thisโ with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Important Valentineโs Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If theyโre under three, melee weapons only!
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! ๐
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, ravenโs breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, Iโm making La Croix
Canโt, Iโm in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didnโt use a Thanksgiving dish.
If your wife asks โWhy donโt you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?โ DO NOT pause to think
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
kitchen magnet
me: Iโm into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, whatโs ur favourite
me: canola
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.