I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.