Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
You Might Also Like
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
✌️
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
How software testing works
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.