going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Breaking news:
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?