I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
#JohnTravolta
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.