Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick