You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
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[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
me, after any kind of buffet.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”